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crazy kids these days
what the damn hell they sayin'?
mama's getting old
I used the word "gank" today. I think I used it in the wrong context. Still, I'm trying.
You hear that, craxy kids? I am hip to your shit.
This milf is not fronting. I is ridonculous.
blogging is calming
not cathartic like screaming
less traumatizing
The wee-er one is incredibly over tired right now. She didn't sleep last night. I'm trying to get her down for an early nap and she is vociferously complaining. She's also playing that fun game where she screams for water, I give her a cup of water, she angrily throws the cup at me, and then screams WATA WATA WATA even louder as if I was the one who took it from her.
So I thought, what are my choices here? Lose my mind and holler at a toddler who's just tired and recovering from being sick? Find something small and hard - like a shoe or a book - and throw it across the room? Clap my hands really loudly like I do when I need to startle the dog out of whatever mess he's causing? Or I could sit here, take some deep breaths, and blog.
So blogging it is. I'm trying to be a calmer person. Less hair-trigger, lightning-action reaction, and more thoughtful, patient response. This is probably going to make me explode, so anyone in the lower half of the 48 states, listen for the loud boom.
What I actually wanted to talk about is the really fantastic dress I just bought to wear to the Fancy Vegas Wedding coming up in just over a week. I am so stoked over this dress. I'm actually afraid it's too nice for me - this level of fanciness is not something often attempted by the Short Girl With Glasses. But I never ever get the chance to dress up, or act like a girl, so I'm going for it full force. And thank god for friends who go shopping with you and talk you out of buying some nice slacks and a white shirt. I am not wimping out this time. I mean, how many times do you get to go to an evening wedding at the Wynn?
Hey! Holy shit! She's asleep! I'm going to go take a nap. But don't fret, I'll be back for more boring self-deprecation and dreams of being rich enough to buy BCBG dresses for everyday wear.
Back. OK. That was a 24 minute nap for me and a 40 minute nap for her. Not great, but I'll take it.
So now that I have this fabulous dress I'm feeling very spendy. What I am craving is a trip to Sephora, where I can splurge on all kinds of serums and potions and powders and cremes. Also, I need shoes. And maybe a little purse. And the wee-er one needs a dress. And did I mention we are leaving in just over a week?
I am feeling a maelstrom of spending barreling down on me. I will channel all my toddler rage into buying shit that makes my skin soft and that makes the wee-er one seem less like Anton Chigurh, and more like, I don't know, Glinda the Good Witch?
We have work to do.
she's got the fever
the scarlet fever, oh yeah
it is not awesome
I knew the rash looked awfully familiar. I didn't want it to, but it did. It said, Hi! Don't you recall my tiny spots and sandpapery texture? And I replied by closing eyes and covering my ears and going lalalalalalala you are just roseola.
But that was just wishful thinking on my part. The good news is that wee-er one's fever seems to have broken over the night. She's as cool as a cucumber this morning, and fairly jolly, too. Well, jolly if I never put her down or leave the room or try to reclaim my boobs.
So, if the fever stays at bay, we only have 24 hours until we can remove our gas masks and not worry about contagions. We're leaving a week from Thursday for some wedding shenanigans in Vegas, and being able to go on that trip WITHOUT all having a 19th century plague would be excellent.
Strep. Boo.
I know! I know! I should liveblog the Oscars, but how can I sully it with my ridiculous jokes when it's going to be so ridiculous on its own?
Love, love the Oscars.
eeeee.
****
Note - it's 9:32 and seriously. What is up with Nicole Kidman's face? Something funky going on there.
It's 10:54 and the show just ended. Holy crap that was a long one. Before I collapse where I sit I just want to say - Marion Cotillard? Gorgeous. Diablo Cody? Bad ass. The amount of women writers nominated this year? Stunning. It feels like it was a good night for the ladies tonight. But maybe that's because I'm tired and delirious.
Perhaps I will be one of the millions of people who try to write a Juno knock-off screenplay now. Well, not right now. Right now I have to.............. [we're sorry, this sentence cannot be completed because the blogger has collapsed from exhaustion and fallen of the sofa. Stay tuned tomorrow for more Oscar-inspired dreams of ripping off successful screenplays and/or hairdos of the rich and famous.]
Here we go, folks. Austin is live on CNN. I see the Capitol! I've been there!
7:00 - Campbell Brown! Jorge Ramos from Univision! Some other old white dude! These are your questioners. Say hello.
7:02 - Hillary is looking snazzy in a navy suit. Obama looks trim in a sleek black suit and red tie. i think it's a black suit. It could be navy, too. My TV is crap.
7:04 - I think that Hillary has decided to dress as a bat, in honor of Austin's famous critters. She is also pandering to the crowd like cah-ray-zy. Barbara Jordan, Ann Richards, those names are going to earn cheers no matter who says them. She should also throw in a Hook Em' and a woo hoo for Salt Lick BBQ.
7:08 - Obama's turn!
7:09 - He's not dressed like a bat, and he's not kissing up to Austin. What? Talk about our keeping it weird! Talk about our greenbelt. This is a debate about what's good and what's great about our fair city. Right?
7:12 - Hillary should be wearing this hat
7:14 - Jorge from Univision wants to know if Hillary will sit down with Raul Castro now that his bro has retired to enjoy an Arch Villain's Twilight Years.
7:15 - No. She would not. It's illegal to travel to Cuba, duh.
7:16 - Obama would go. It's actually perfectly legal for the President to travel to Cuba. And to always quote JFK in a debate.
7:20 - I'm distracted by what the candidates are saying because the gigantic red, white and blue background has given me a seizure. A seizure of patriotism.
7:26 - Hillary wants to appoint a Trade Prosecutor to protect us from toys. Seriously, I could totally use one of those guys living in my house. The wee one keeps sneaking his toys to school and trading them for questionable things. A Trade Prosecutor would stop that shit. But i don't know if the wee one would be up for all the beaurocratic paperwork.
7:31 - Hey, i just thought of something! When I get my check from Dubya - the tax break check made of invisible money - I can buy myself a kickass new TV where I can figure out if Hillary's suit is black or navy. And thanks to the fact that I have two kids, my check can buy a HD TiVo, too. Republicans and children - not as pesky as you might think.
7:34 - Yes. There is still a debate going on. Immigration reform is what they're talking about now. Raids on families = bad. Hillary has a look on her face that says, "Hell yeah I'm going out for tacos after this."
7:36 - The wee-er one is rubbing her chest and plaintively demanding for Noke! Noke! Noke! this is her word for milk. Is it terribly obvious that I often say no when she wants milk? Best mom ever!
7:37 - the ratings would be a lot higher if Jorge Ramos from Univision was wearing this:
7:38 - Obama is doing his upward chin tilt gaze to the heavens. The angels sing: thankyouformakingthetexasprimarymatterrrrrrrrrr
7:42 - Hillary has been asked if there should be limits to making the US a bilingual country. She says, "Hell no. How else will we be able to properly order chorizo breakfast tacos at Taco Shak in the early morning before we catch our plane to Ohio. Wait, what were we talking about again?" No, no, she didn't say that.
7:44 - But she's thinking it.
7:45 - Obama takes the first shot at No Child Left Behind. Boo standardized tests! Yay foreign language!
7:48 - You can buy a Volvo with a heartbeat sensor in it. That way you know if someone has snuck into your car while you were at Old Navy buying stacks of capris. The real question is: can you use this heartbeat sensor on Presidential candidates? Is there a real person stowing away behind that politico facade? We'll never know because no one can afford a new Volvo in this economy. Washington conspiracy!
7:52 - OH! DAMN! Hillary has dissed Kirk Watson in his home town. Crickets.
7:54 - Obama is not in favor of boondoggles. He IS in favor of early childhood education. Is he in favor of early childhood education that teaches about boondoggles?
7:57 - By the way, Obama, it's a good thing you didn't drop by fr the lentil soup. It tasted like perfume for some reason. Too much tarragon? I don't know.
7:58 - Obama says it's "silly season" in politics right now. That's a daddy thing to say. And he's right. He's no plagiarist, and that's a ridiculous thing for the Clinton campaign to bring up.
8:01 - Hillary's collar has flipped up. She's done dreaming of tacos.
8:04 - Really, these guys could be up here honking like the grown-ups in the Peanuts cartoons, and either one of them would still be an excellent choice to run the country.
8:06 - I wonder what these two are doing during the commercial breaks? Brushing each other's hair and telling secrets about how svelte Campbell Brown's butt looks in her suit?
8:09 - dessert break. brownie or blondie? It's a tough choice.
8:10 - brownie. with nuts.
8:11 - Hillary is talking a lot a lot a lot about Edwards tonight. Do I smell a VP nod? Or just pandering for an endorsement?
8:13 - Finally. A debate! Health care has them all riled up. Obama's body language has changed. He's pointing skyward a lot, and leaning towards Hillary. I wonder what he smells like? I smell like a tropical paradise (aka: chemical pina colada) because I bought the wrong deodorant. this is not what I imagine Obama smells like. He's probably more of a Spring Breeze kind of guy.
8:21 - War talk. Every. One. Speaks. Slower. When. Talking. Of. War. And. I. Fall. Asleep.
8:27 - We all agree. McCain sucks. Obama is still talking and talking. Hillary looks like she's dreaming of those tacos again.
8:28 - I am dreaming of tacos, too.
8:29 - Will the candidates allow the debate to be over? They've just now gotten warmed up. And they're pretty good at walking all over Campbell Brown.
8:30 - Yay! UT! It's the tower. I've been there!
8:32 - Oh yeah, this debate is never going to end.
8:33 - They're going to have to order in Jason's Deli instead of going out for tacos. I HATE it when meetings go long and that happens.
8:36 - Obama is straight talkin'. And he's right. People don't think Washington listens to them. Washington makes us cynical. Elections make us cynical. Can anyone really change that? I am cynical.
8:37 - If I ever try to reenter the workforce full-time, can I use "cumulative life experience" on my resume? I'd like to.
8:40 - Hillary makes a veiled reference to Bill's infidelity. Cheers from the crowd! Now she's trying to make herself cry again, but the creaky robot eyes are not behaving like she wants them to.
8:42 - prayers, blessings, faith, wounded warriors - she's bringing out the big guns for her finale now.
8:43 - And we're done. Whew.
8:44 - Let's get some goddamned tacos and watch Lost.
It's irresistible. I think I have to liveblog the Obama-Clinton debate tonight. I mean, how fair is it that it's on cable when so many people don't have cable?
Now that I finally have cable I feel that it is my duty, nay civic imperative, to inform you of how many times Hillary smiles with her mouth but not with her eyes, and how many times Obama gazes to the overhead lights, seeking out a mandala of florescence.
7-8:30 central time. Barring any bath time or dinner emergencies, of course.
liberal bastion
hippies are going apeshit
debate is tonight!
Mere miles down the street, the Obama and Clinton peeps are furiously preparing for tonight's CNN debate. Austin is going crazy.
Word on the street is that Hillary and Chelsea will be at Guero's tonight, in case you want to eat tacos and star-gaze.
I wonder where Obama will be after the debate? Perhaps he will be smiling beatifically in the corner somewhere, eating Hillary's lunch. Haha. (Yes, Yes, I'll be here all all week. Yes, yes, I'll be recycling old jokes the entire time. Try the roast beef, it's excellent.)
Normally, I'm not big on watching debates. They make me nervous and uncomfortable, with all of the finger-pointing and truth-bending and question avoidance. But maybe this one will be different. Austin loosens people up. If ever there was a debate with the potential to not suck, this would be the one.
Obama, baby, I'm cheering for you tonight. You can come to my house for dinner. We're having lentil soup.
look where we are now
less freedom but more freedom
just like we like it
Nine years. Two kids. A Wednesday night. No big anniversary plans here - surprise!
I've had fun scanning in some pictures this morning, though. I usually don't post things like this, so forgive me... I just can't get over how fresh-faced and young we were! I feel so... weathered... now.
no spendy, spendy
evil bastards make me save
should I say thank-you?
Not only is my debit card down for the count, my credit card is, too. We just noticed fraudulent charges yesterday and had that one canceled, as well.
"Shut it down," I told the lady at the bank, doing my best gravelly Jack Donaghy impression. "Shut them all down." So our last beacon of hope for groceries this week is my husband's debit card, which has a different number than mine. I kind of think we should cancel that, too, just for good measure. We can dust off the checkbook or rely on the emergency credit card while we wait the 7-10 days for everything to get replaced.
Ugh. I spent last night flagging our credit reports and panicking about identity theft, but so far those are all fine.
Things are always lively at the Haiku of the Day household, aren't they? Stay tuned for the story of The Wee-er One Falling Down The Stairs As I Almost Dislocate My Knee Trying To Save Her. That one's a hoot.
Hi.
You suck.
And also? While I am all for saving the earth, I am not all for giving $5,000 to the Environmental Defense Fund FROM MY CHECKING ACCOUNT.
You are lucky I'm poor and that the people at my bank are smart.
Ass.
Just finished watching last night's Project Runway, and you guys? Did you see Jillian's dress? Not the one she designed, but the red and white striped one she was wearing while she worked?
I.
Covet.
That.
Dress.
The TiVo is paused so I can walk in the room and bite my fist every time I see it.
Would I look as adorable as she does in it? Probably not, but you know what? If it fit me as well as it fits her I would feel adorable, and that's all a girl really wants.
Love it. Want it. Must find it. Now.
*I totally stole this from a child. Beck, I owe you a royalty payment.
wearing red skull shirt
not really punk rock, not hearts
it's a perfect blend
Last night, the wee one was crying because he was over tired and pissed at trying to tape little packages of M&Ms to his valentines.
"Why are you crying?" I asked.
"Because every time I see the color red it makes me think of Valentine's Day and that makes me angry and frustrated."
I think I can say with some certainty he is not alone in that sentiment. Though this morning he was very excited to go to school to see what kind of haul he's going to get.
You know, nowadays your kid has to bring a valentine to every kid in the class or none of the valentines can get passed out. When I was little, I would labor over a list of kids in my class, deciding who was worthy of the messily ripped pieces of paper that said things like "Strawberry Shortcake Loves You and I do, too!" Then, after class, everyone would dump out their paper bags of Valentines and see who got the most (not me, though I was always safely in the middle ground).
I am going to go make a key lime pie now.
Ever since seeing the movie Waitress I can't shake the compulsion to make and eat pie.
This pie that I'm about to attempt is going to be called the "It's Not Really A Valentine's Day Pie But Rather An I Amazingly Have All The Ingredients And I Love You Key Lime Pie." And I'm going to try to make whipped cream with whole milk because I don't have any whipping cream and I am too lazy to go to the store. Is that going to work? I'll let you know.
In other confectionery news, check out this kick ass tart I made for my friend. It's called the "I'm Glad You're My Friend And Don't Think I'm A Stalker Vanilla Berry Tart"
nursing and writing
crawling, walking, and writing
now he's writing, too
Four and half years ago I sat at my desk, the wee one on my lap, and I made it past page 33 of a story I'd started a few months earlier. I wrote and I wrote. He nursed and slept and nursed some more and I wrote. And a few months later it happened... for the first time in my life I had written an entire book - with an actual plot and a beginning middle and end.
I found an agent.
He helped me edit and rewrite and tighten. And while I was doing all of that, I surprisingly managed to publish Haiku Mama. It went through the editing process and the publicity process and the promotion process and all the while I was still working on my first book. Editing, perfecting, editing some more. The wee one had moved on from nursing and toddling to potty-training and Star Wars.
Then I was pregnant and promoting Haiku Mama, and the first book sold! The editing and rewriting began anew. The wee one became a big brother, the wee-er one joined us all and made everything crazy and wonderful.
And still: edit, edit, tighten, change.
Now here we are. The wee one is in school, writing his own fairy tales. The wee-er one is older than he was when I started writing the book in the first place. And I have just emailed the final edits to my editor at Random House.
So much has happened since those first words went on the page. So much.
Four and half years. Really, longer, if I count the original few chapters that are history now, but that introduced the main character.
The wee one was a tiny babe when this all began, and now I just finished telling his Kindergarten class about why being a writer is fun and how brainstorming means you can never be wrong.
Shoot. I need a Kleenex.
they are all so cute
with staring, unblinking eyes
sweet children of corn
I am on my way to talk to 21 Kindergartners about writing books. This is scarier than any other public speaking I've ever done.
I'm bringing the wee-er one, too, just to make things even more interesting.
We are going to rock the house.
here we go my peeps
will she make it through whole show?
only time will tell
7:02pm - An early caveat... I don't know who half these people are. So probably I will just describe people by their clothing. Example: Pretty Green Dress Girl Who I Think Is Alycia Keys is singing a duet with Sinatra. She has attractive pancake boobs tonight. Not a fan of the dress' train, though.
7:06 - I would like to have a flaming ceiling like Carrie Underwood has right now. Whenever I'm angry, or the kids are driving me crazy - SHAZAM - flaming ceiling.
7:07 - or is that a wall? whatever.
7:10 - Prince and I could wear the same clothes. Does he shop at Anthropologie? I could totally use some jeans, but I am not forking over $188 for pants.
7:15 - Wachovia commercial. I always thought it was pronounced with the ch-ch-ch sound. So that it's like a bank with a New York accent. "Yeah, dat's right. I "watch ovee ya" money.
7:18 - These guy's are performing for the first time in how many years? Ten? O-wee-o-wee-o my they are not good. Simon would have cut them off two minutes ago.
7:20 - Somewhere an emu is very cold because Rihanna has sheared it to make her dress.
7:24 - Not a fan of the praying hand thank-you gesture that famous people do.
7:25 - Yoko is wearing a tiny top hat! Well, not that tiny, really. Hillary Clinton should totally get one of those. You know she would rock it.
7:26 - If my umbrella had feet maybe I would stop losing the damn thing. I could just holler for it and it would come running. Awesome.
7:29 - This musical number has taught me an important lesson - do not take the wee one to cirque de soleie (dude I don't know how to spell that). "An exploding punch buggy!" "Why is that lady on that swing?" "What is she up there for?" "Is that dangerous?" "What happens if she falls?" "Are there fireman at the grannies?"
7:33 - Note: I can play Hey Jude on the accordion but no one invited ME to the grammy's
7:34 - Amy Winehouse wins best new artist. (i think that's what the award was. I should pay more attention). Yay! I haven't actually heard of any of the other nominees, though. I'm sure none of them have lyrics like "what kind of fuckery is this?" though. That line alone deserves a grammy.
7:36 - Also? Cyndi Lauper is hot.
7:38 - "A violin with a thyroid problem" hahaha. I miss arrested development.
Just a note here, I'm not doing a very good job of describing what's going on, am I? Ah, well. If you aren't watching the show, or have come by at a later date to read this, you must be like, wtf? Violins with thyroid problems? Huh? I just like to keep things mysterious, that's all. Also, I am lazy and I've been reading Cormac McCarthy, so I've lost all ability to describe things.
7:46 - Kanye. Stronger. I like this song. And, in fact, was listening to it in the car today when I was driving behind a Toyota Corolla with a tiny tiny bumper sticker on it that said "I Heart My Vagina."
7:48 - Who backs up Kanye? A pyramid filled with midget Trons. Duh.
7:53 - [end PSA against elective plastic surgery]
7:55 - I never thought I would say this, but y'all? Fergie is boring. Bo-ring. Where is this Fergie?
8:01 - a message for Target, sponsor of the Grammy's: Hi. If you're reading this, could you email me? I have a fantastic idea for you. It's very win-win. For real. Email me. Do it, Target. You won't be disappointed.
8:05 - Tina Turner! Wrapped up like a ding dong with great legs! Somewhere Oprah is wetting herself!
8:08 - every time I finish putting the dishes in the dishwasher I'm going to do that arms apart, vibrating hands, spirit fingers thing. And I will sing Proud Kari Keeps on Burnin (Plastic Spoons In The GE).
8:14 - Nellie Furtado has on a great asymmetrical dress. Pretty.
8:15 - Score another one for Amy Winehouse! Sucks that her appealed-for visa came through too late. I bet that girl can give a kick ass acceptance speech. Somewhere, though, the person in charge of hitting the censor button is very, very relieved.
8:21 - Dave Grohl's very nicely shampooed hair is trying its best to look greasy and gross but the product is winning this battle. His hair even looks like it smells good. Just barely floral... like the Honolulu airport.
8:27 - Do people win awards on this award show?
8:31 - In another existential question... is there anyone out there actually reading this? That is probably a resounding no.
8:33 - George Lopez is shiny and there's a white strip across his forehead. I'm guessing he was wearing a hat while his bronzer was applied. George Lopez + bronzer = joke only he is allowed to tell.
8:38 - Best rap album. It is safe to say I haven't listened to any of these. Kanye takes it. The Staples Center just exploded from his ego being unleashed. I wonder if he's allowed to fly on airplanes with that thing?
8:44 - If I make fun of the gospel number, the tiny baby jesus with his tiny balled up fists will get mad at me. Sorry TBJWHTBUF, but dude. What is up with the chorus guy back there? It's like his head ate a fauxhawk and then he stood in front of a jet engine.
8:46 - Sorry again, TBJWHTBUF, but even you should recognize the crime against humanity that is a floor length satin skirt with random ass-expanding ruffles. I mean, for real.
8:57 - so. many. commercials. snore.
8:58 - oh, hey, I know who Feist is after all. At least this song I know. The rock I live under has a TV. Whew. I just saw the light glint off my water bottle and I thought my phone was ringing. I think I may be delirious from hating Kanye.
9:01 - I just missed this lady's name. Sparkly Black Dress Lady Who Won The First Grammy For A Group Thing Or Something Like That is fucking rocking with Kid Rock right now. This little number is great! Keely Smith. I know I just spelled that wrong.
9:03 - best rock album. Daughtry can suck it. How did he even get nominated? Foo Fighters takes it! Dave Grohl's Honolulu airport hair still looks clean and shiny. He is my rockstar boyfriend.
9:13 - OK. I'm bored with all the singing.
9:14 - I don't understand Alicia Keys' new outfit. Formal shorts? Tights with the panties built in? The camera won't show it. Is her hoohah showing? What is going on here? It doesn't matter. I'm still bored.
9:18 - Vince Gill calls out Kanye! I am totally buying Vince Gill's album now. Hahaha. I hope Vince Gill has a bodyguard. I am just going to keep saying Vince Gill because why stop now? Vince Gill Vince Gill Vince Gill.
9:26 - Rhapsody in Blue. This will always make me think of my mom's Hooked on Classics tape. Oh I loved this song when I was little. Why don't I ever go to the symphony? Right. Pesky children.
9:29 - It's a piano race! I think i HAVE seen this on Tom & Jerry. Which one is Herbie Hancock? He's Tom, I think.
9:33 - Best Rap Song Corroboration. Rihanna feat. Jay-Z for Umbrella. I don't know what any of those words mean. I just write them down. Rihanna has traded in her emu dress for a blue number. Not great, but not bad. Jay-Z is funny, by the way. He was giving her shit. I like that in a man.
9:37 - Did you know that after the Super Bowl QVC was selling Giants gear? Like immediately after - 5 seconds after the game. It would be funny if they did the same thing after each Grammy winner. For a limited time only! Three easy payments! Rihanna feat. Jay-Z fitted ball caps! $29.95! You can't beat this price, folks! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! We have a caller. Hi there, Mary, where are you from? Des Moines? Awesome. WHya re you calling today, Mary? Because you love the suggestive lyrics of Umbrella? Of course you do, Mary. We all do, honey. How many of these ball caps are you getting today, Mary? Three?! Awesome, Mary. Awesome.
9:42 - Amy Winehouse!
9:42 - Her stick legs make me sad.
9:43 - But her hair is great. And her eyes are great. And her lyrics are great.
9:44 - Boy she looks nervous.
9:45 - Maybe they shot her with a blow dart before this performance.
9:46 - Not that kind of blow.
9:47 - Also, they put a bra on her tattoo. That is crazy.
9:49 - Record of the year. Amy Winehouse takes it! She looks stricken. Absolutely stricken. Now she's picking it up a bit. "For my Blake, incarcerated." Oh man, that girl is messed up. I hope the aliens fix her, because really, she's a great talent.
9:59 - I like the piano guy behind the grammy guy. The piano guy is Eldar. Did I hear that right? Am I delirious again? Is it L-Dar? Why doesn't he have words shaved in his hair like Kanye? L-Dar has strangely segued into the the dead people montage. This is all very confusing. I need food.
10:04 - This may not be popular for me to say, but Josh Grobin makes me want to stab my ears with railroad spikes.
10:06 - Maybe I just hate his hair. It's like a too-long flapper bob, but fuzzy. he sounds like he's trying to gargle.
10:14 - Jerry Lee Lewis. When he "woooooooos" his waddle shakes tremendously. It's great. It almost makes me want a waddle.
10:16 - When I went to Russia and spent 24 hours traveling on a train, with no sleep and little food, I was met at the train station by the family I was going to stay with for a few weeks. Instead of offering me food or sleep, they took me immediately to a gigantic talent show filled with singers and dancers and circus performers and tap numbers and may pole things. It never ended. In fact, it is probably still going on somewhere. At some point during the show I actually burst into tears because I began hallucinating that the dancers were dancing in thin air and glowing red. This Grammy show? It is that never-ending Russian talent show.
10:24 - For real. SO MANY COMMERCIALS! HOLY CRAP!
10:25 - It IS the never-ending talent show. Will.i.am is killing me here with his medley. Do we really need this? Does this add to anything? Even he looks like, "The fuck, yo? Why am I here?"
10:26 - I'm changing my name to kar.i.anne
10:28 - Album of the year. How is this different from record of the year? Herbie Hancock surprises everyone! Kanye is going to tackle him and do that girl slappy thing I bet he does when he fights, and then he's going to steal the grammy. Run, Herbie! Run!
10:38 - Done! And we are hasta la vista'd by a dude with bagpipes on his head. It is really the only fitting end. Good night, my peeps. This was weird.
Well, no one asked, but I'm doing it anyway.
Stay tuned for Super Spectacular Grammy Liveblogging! I make no promises to struggle through the whole show, but I will do my very best to make at least a handful of tired jokes about stupid rock star outfits, drug-induced hazes, and boobies.
Huzzah!
would be nice to live
in different dimension
where time don't matter
While I'm waiting for the dude to show up to fix my cabinet drawer, I figured I would let you all know about two new words I've learned in the past couple of days. Thanks to Phillip Pullman and a movie review in Time magazine I can now use the words "tussocking" and "fuliginous" each in a complete sentence.
"The tussocking meadow makes me sneeze."
"Hopefully, the fuliginous walls of the cave were proof that the missing spelunkers had camped there for the night."
Reading does make you smarter! Or at least more capable of writing cryptic sentences.
In an unrelated note, I've been wearing my hair in pig tails lately, and the wee-er one has learned that while I'm sitting, she can get behind me and grab a pig tail in each hand, directing my screams, much like Little Chef does in Ratatouille.
In even more unrelated news: where the hell is that drawer guy?
protection program
not just one for witnesses
for famous folks too
I wish there was a program like the Witness Protection Program that could swoop in and steal Britney away from her life. The "I'm Not Really A Psycho But Everyone Around Me Is And They Are Fucking Up My Life And Oh By The Way No One Ever Diagnosed My Probable Postpartum Depression Thanks A Lot Assholes" Protection Program.
Girl needs a break. All these people after her. All these people making fun of her. Damn.
Seriously, if space aliens came down and swept her away from all of this shit, would anyone be surprised? I hope they get here quickly. And maybe they can also pick up Amy Winehouse while they're at it.
with this much hot air
am afraid the whole midwest
might just float away
Andrew Shue on news
a new reality show?
D-List politics
brownie or blondie
it is more than bake sale choice
will winner be sweet?
Texans bide their time
this one year out of many
primary may count
it's too close to call
ask what would LBJ do?
find "missing" ballots
haiku politics
just as boring as real thing
someone cut me off
random holiday
celebrate with TV, crap
not even noon yet
The wee one is home today, due to a teacher work day. We are watching Mythbusters and eating "natural" cheese puffs and ripping the heads off of lego dudes. Fun.
Also, we ran into Austin's most famous cross-dressing, quasi-homeless mayoral candidate Leslie when we went to pick up our weekly stash of soup. Leslie was clad in a leopard print shrug, tank top, bikini bottom thong, and heels. The wee one said, "I bet that person is cold." I bet so, too.
It is a quiet day so far. For that I am grateful.
no sleep, freezing toes
all paperwork is turned in
now we wait til may
All-in-all, the Crazy Ass Transfer Line Saga went really well. Once the line started moving, I was in and out pretty quickly. I really have to credit the Austin ISD employees. Everyone was incredibly friendly and helpful, and they even had a lady pushing a cart full of clipboards, pens and forms amongst the line goers, in case someone didn't have a transfer form or needed a new one.
The only hiccup was waiting for my husband to come pick me up (I hitched a ride out there this morning). For some reason, only sensible to someone who has woken up at 4:30 am, I took with me both mobile phones and the keys to the car with both car seats. So there was some frantic drawer digging by my husband to find the spare key so he could drag the kids out to fetch me. But it all worked out just fine.
Well, we'll learn sometime between May and August how well it worked out.
Also, I gave an interview with one of the local news channels even though I swore I would run from all cameras. Dorky hat lady on TV? That would be me.
Naptime.
I just took a picture of the news cameraman. how do YOU like it sucker?
line is moving. people are freaking. are their beatles tickets? no.
Is a borg. But he's nice.
The guys to the left of me are talking about their liver numbers and dui close calls. I think they are soulmates.
There's a jovial if not cynical vibe here in line. it goes on forever now but I feel silly taking more pictures.
people are here for tons of different reasons. weird zoning better opportunities close to their work etc. Interesting.
the guy next to me had a great idea. you could come out here once a year and sell tacos and coffee to the line and make enough money to send your kid to private school. hahaha. he's probably right.
a taco cart I would be rich this morning.
The news is here. SEE WHAT I DO FOR YOU WEE ONE? This is kind of embarrassing.
the guy behind me just said wives and moms are the same thing to him. he is divorced. big surprise there. it is 6:15.
damn.
I burned the shit out of my finger just before I got her. Its starting to blister. Ointment! Unguent! I wonder if anyone has any?
Good news. A helpful lady! She's a district employee asking what school and grade we're shooting for and from where. She's sending some people home because they will have easy transfers.
bad new. When I told her what my plan was she made a face and sai eeeennnhhhh you need to stay right where you are.
will do nice lady. but now i'm worried. thanks.
there are people taking pictures of us. maybe i'll do that too.
we are in line in a parking garage. Some people have been here for two days. This is crazy. I see people with books and newspapers but mostly blank stares. Their stares all say "Look what I do for you damn kids. Where's my goddamned coffee."
with a portable dvd player. he is smart. I already have to go to the bathroom.
here I sit. In line with a bag of food and books waiting to turn in the transfer form so the wee one can go to Fancy School next year.
I am 143 in line. The doors open in 1.5 hours. I have a camping chair and tea. Let's get this party started.
my husband's treo stay tuned for liveblogging fun 5am central
hello. does this damn thing work now?
