the news, it is not awesome

The fern was positive for amniotic fluid. However, the fluid levels around the baby were higher today than yesterday. And the nitrizine at the doc was negative. But the nitrizine on the sample from 2:30am was positive.

So WTF?

There are a variety of exhausting explanations. The one I like is that the sample from 2:30 is contaminated with old blood, causing false positives and there is no leak. The one I don't like is that there is a high leak and that might be why I'm getting gushes with a big contraction and not a constant trickle. The one I think is most likely true? Door number 2. I just feel like that's what's happening.

We're treating it like there's a leak. ABX, strict bed rest, regular temp taking to monitor for infection. If I can make it to 24 weeks without anything terrible happening I will probably be admitted to the hospital for the duration of the pregnancy.

I am so fucking scared. I am rapidly losing all ability to be brave or funny. But crying in bed until whatever is going to happen happens doesn't seem like a great idea.

How do I not panic? How will it be OK?

Comments

[mc]

It's ok to be scared. Who wouldn't be. You really need to relax. I don't know HOW! But the tension you feel is absolutely not doing you any good. Ergo, bed rest...they want you to be still and breathe. What will be will be (yeah, cliche, but true in this case.) You just do the best you can with your part and leave the rest of it in the hands of those who can do whatever they can with their part. Our brave, funny Haiku Mama and the sweet wee-ist is on the receiving end of many prayers, good wishes and positive thoughts. So, be scared for a little while, then get serious about being brave again. You can do this.

[Sharon]

I second the previous post - it's OK to be scared shitless right now. Let yourself be scared, then you can take a deep breath and move on with being you again.

Big hugs to you, momma. You and the little one are in my thoughts.

[Bridget]

No one expects you to be brave or funny right now. Just take it one moment at a time--don't do "what if"s. One (metaphorical, what with the bed rest) foot in front of the other, one step at a time. Breathe, rest and talk--to your husband, to your mom, to your doc, to your god, and especially to the wee-ist one. You're all in my thoughts.

[Alison Strobel Morrow]

Wow wow. I just can't imagine your panic, Kari. I am so sorry this pregnancy is so screwed up. I agree with all previous posts (especially the part about talking to the wee-est one!) and just wanted to add that you're in my prayers so you know you're getting them. :)

[Angie Martinez-Brown]

hi, so yea i was going to post a comment yesterday. I know what your going through. i just spent three weeks in the hospital after my water broke. my son was born at 31 weeks gestation. he is now 6 weeks old and finally home. Im sending some positive vibes your way and will say a prayer for you and your unborn child. big hugs.

[Erin]

I second all the above.

I am thinking of you and pulling for wee-est one to STAY PUT! More baking time is needed, kiddo.