Liveblogging the AMAs

7:48: I'm LATE! CRAP.

7:49: Jay-Z just said something about Applebees and Alicia Keys could totally kill someone with her jacket. Like, it has sheathed shurikens and shit in the sleeves. Awesome. Alicia Key's jacket is what Irina wants to design.

7:50: I don't know Shinedown. But that is what happens to my forehead as the day drags on.

7:52: I don't actually know half of these people. It's a good thing I read Entertainment Weekly. It's also a good thing that my sister is here. She is filling me in on things. Example: "Shinedown sings that song. You know! With the [here she shakes her head and pounds her ears with her fists]." Very good.

7:57: If my name was Ram, my voice would be masculine.

8:00: Fergie and I are wearing the same thing right now. Weird!

8:03: Seth Green sighting! The tiny leprechaun is grooving.

8:05: A Boom Boom Pow, Smells Like Teen Spirit mash-up. Courtney is going to kick.Fergie's.ass. Unless Fergie is dressed in shurikens like Alicia Keys. Maybe that's what's holding her boobs up. Ouch. But kind of awesome.

8:11: For real you guys, Keith Urban has awful hair. He must have Kramer's low-flow shower head. Dislike.

8:15: Oh, Beyonce, what's got you so busy on a Sunday night that you can't come to the AMAs? Gloss on your lips? A man on your hips?

8:17: Ooh. I'm huge a fan of Rihanna's boobie electrocution there. Kind of like if Tool were girls. Kind of.

8:19: I'm liking how the back-up dancers on this show are dressed as boxy things. Stereo speakers and aquarium heads so far. Or TV heads? Maybe TV heads. Whatever. People dressed as squares on a show where people are doing everything they can to not be squares... I dig it.

8:27: Carrie Underwood is wearing Carol Hannah's dress! With old-fashioned underpants. Or very short shorts. Her front looks like my back whenever I try to wear a skirt and tights. This is why I wear jeans.

8:30: Lady Gaga! Very blinky! Very pantyhosey! Very trilobite helmeted! 

8:32: Shhh. I think I can see her Spanx.

8:33: The piano is on fire! But on purpose. I saw the Butthole Surfers do that by accident once. Me:1, Lady Gaga: 0.

8:35: There is a bug on my TV and it's making it look like Lady Gaga is a married Indian woman.

8:37: Perez Hilton looks like a GIANT GROSS oompa loompa.

8:38: The haircut that Sarah Jessica Parker has in this movie coming out... it makes her look like a dude in drag. Not a pretty dude.

8:41: Mary J. Blige has opted against boobie electrocution. I approve.

8:43: My sister, who is not paying attention, just said, "Wow, Whitney Houston sounds a lot better now." We would all sound better if we were, in fact, Mary J. Blige.

8:47: I don't know who these people are, these breakout artist people. Gloriana? Loriana? There is a guy up on stage with a GIGANTIC head. Like if James Dean was allergic to peanuts.

8:50: I am going to take a page from J.Lo and every time I say "lovah!" (which is a lot, of course), I am going to give a big heave-ho with my hips.

8:51: Nice save there, with the falling on the ass but then getting back up and everything. I am endeared to J.Lo. now. I fall on my ass all the time, but not after jumping off of a hunky dancer's back. I will have to work on that part.

8:57: Whitney Houston is a international star, if by "international star" you mean "crazy ass train wreck I used to listen to on my boom box in the backseat of my parent's Buick while we were driving to Jacksonville for the GA-FL game."

9:01: It's a good thing "crack" doesn't rhyme with "I did not crumble".

9:03: At any minute Whitney's going to go into the Smells Like Teen Spirit mash-up.

9:04: Waiting.

9:05: I gotta give Whitney credit. She is sweaty up there, and giving the award a wank, but her sweat is very sparkly. She has Edward Cullen-ized sweating on stage. THAT is impressive.

9:11: Taylor Swift looks like Nicole Kidman, but after a giant squished Nicole Kidman's face from either side.

9:14: Alicia Keys is back! She has traded shuriken for tiny tiny lady balls.

9:16: Seriously. Tiny tiny lady balls. Like Truck Ballz, but tiny tiny.

9:19: Sorry. Truck Nutz.

9:20: Piano bench seat belt! In case Alicia pulls a J.Lo. Too bad the hunky dudes didn't have a seat belt.

9:24: SO MANY COMMERCIALS. 

9:27: I'm gonna blo** li** emini** sings o** tv. Lots of silen** spa**ses. Fiddy i** wor**. Somehow even the instrument solos are getting blipped. Who knew a percussive beat could spell out a curse word? Maybe it's morse code. I mean mor** c**.

9:30: Am I the only one finding all of these subliminal Project Runway references? First Alicia Keys Irina-esque outfit, then Carrie Underwood's rip off of Carol Hannah. And now Timbaland is auf-ing people. 

9:32: I like Timbaland's shiny pants. I hope they do not chafe.

9:37: FOR REAL. THE COMMERCIALS ARE MAKING ME STABBY.

9:38: Hey! Morena Baccarin! That's the haircut I want! Almost went crazy enough to get it, but instead I went a little less "severe". More hair, less lizard.

9:40: shoutout to Courtney for pointing out that Carrie Underwood was indeed wearing a Carol Hannah dress. Cool!

9:41: I am so bored by this Green Day song. Does this make me old and out of touch? Snore.

9:43: Green Day has made fire on stage boring. Unacceptable.

9:45: What is the giant safety pin for on Jay-z's lapel? Cloth Diapering Awareness seems like a strange cause for him. But maybe I am stereotyping.

9:51: Two guesses who wins artist of the year and your first guess doesn't count.

9:52: Finally, the Adam Lambert extravaganza is upon us. They've been plugging this thing all night. It's like a James Bond song. In a gay bar. FROM THE FUTURE.

9:55: In a minute the scaffolding is going to morph into a giant Transformers-style Grace Jones.

9:56: Some keyboard player just got its face eaten off by the Lambert. Yikes.

9:57: That shit will smear your eyeliner if you're not careful.

9:58: And it's over. Whew. That was super boring and kind of weird. Much like this liveblog.

Fin.

Comments

[Courtney Johnson]

I just randomly found this blog and I have to say you're very funny. I espeically liked the Whitney giving the award a wank remark because I totally thought that when I saw it and thought I might be the only one!

[Courtney Johnson]

By the way Carrie Underwood is wearing a Carol Hannah outfit so it isn't a ripoff :-)I don't know about Alicia.

[Alison Strobel Morrow]

Gah, I wish I'd watched so I knew what you were talking about! But, for some reason, I'm still laughing my butt off. Thank you. :)

[Kristin]

damn, yer funny, mama.

[Ruth]

I went to school with Keith Urban. He had a soprano voice like an angel and his hair was much more ordinary. I don't think he even shaved yet. He's made up for lost time (I keep seeing him in his miami vice recently not remembered to have shaved mode)

[Ruth]

oh. And I come from the same country as Nicole. does that count?

[Andrea]

Your liveblogging is better than the AMAs could ever be! Thanks for braving the pop culture poo hurricane for those of us allergic to poo hurricanes.