I'm going to do it. I mean, we've all had our minds made up for weeks, right? This one is just for fun, right? Romney could eat a baby and Obama could be played by a talking horse and no minds will be changed AT ALL. So let's have a little fun while we all enjoy rage-induced aneurysms tonight. Yes?
See you back here at 8 pm CST.
8:02: Best news so far tonight: Ari Shapiro and his dreamy eyes will be commenting on the debate when it's over. PBS FTW.
8:04: I'm already imagining the bad lip syncing. "Hi there, devil harpoon." "My pleasure, horse farts."
8:05: Has Romney won all the tosses? CONSPIRACY! Maybe the coin toss machine is provided by Hart Intercivic.
8:08: Every single time I hear someone say Libya my train of thought goes A) plutonium B) 88 miles per hour C) NOOOOOOOOOO
8:10: Oh, ho! Gender equality and education for the middle east, Mr. R? Maybe we should get on that here at home, too, good sir.
8:12: "The 1980s are calling and want their foreign policy back!" SEE?! I am not that far off base with my Back to the Future brain shenanigans.
8:17: Every time Romney tries to be all, "Hey, we're friends here, why attack me like this?" my head wants to explode. O is not attacking you, dude. He's pointing out that you are a lying liar who lies. And then lies again. And then keeps lying while lowering his voice to try to sound like Reagan.
8:20: Assad must go. Assad will go. Will he go in a boat? Will he go with a goat? Will he go with some fun? Will he go with big fat guns?
8:22: You know what would be awesome? If these guys were all wearing American flag contact lenses.
8:26: "I wish the US government would intervene in all these other governments. But when it comes to our own government, I wish the government would GO AWAY."
8:28: "I wish people would educate women and give women more rights... in all these other countries."
8:30: "I will not cut a military budget" Good to know, Mr. OH MY GOD WE'RE HEMMORHAGING SO MUCH MONEY WE CAN'T EVEN PAY FOR PELL GRANTS.
8:33: I like that the tone in which Romney just said "I gotta policy" was very much "right here in my pants, asshole." Bring it.
8:35: "Latin America is a huge time zone opportunity for America." This is point four in the five point point plan? Interestingly enough, we have a lot of Latin Americans in our own time zones RIGHT NOW. Working jobs here RIGHT NOW. So, we want them to self-deport back to their own more convenient time zone? And learn how to run call centers? My brain. It hurts.
8:37: Slashing education funding undermines our future. YES. DUH. And Romney's comeback? Oh, well, standardized tests blah blah blah. *headdesk* Oh, wait, I mean *headfloorbecausethereisnomoneyfordesks*
8:42: I'm still stuck on "I'd get rid of Obamacare on day one." I can't even think of a joke. Except that without Obamacare a whole lot of kids with pre-existing conditions won't get the medical care they need, and thus won't be healthy enough to fght in the future wars the Republican party is salivating over. That's not a joke, though, is it?
8:45: Pretty sure with that little submarine bit, Obama just called Romney a fucking idiot, but in a very FCC-friendly way.
8:49: I am fighting with you about all the things I agree with you about! We agree on these things AAARGH. Let's keep fighting about how much we agree on these things!
8:56: Do you ever get the impression that Obama would like a "Bring your opponent to work day" so that he could trot Romney behind the closed doors of the white house and be all, "Do you SEE THIS, motherfucker? These crazy ass clowns of the world that I have to work with? You think I can just go pee on a tree in North Korea to prove I'm the boss of the world? Not how it works, man. Not how it works." I get that impression.
9:02: I like how when Obama gets pissed his whole face narrows to a point. It's like his entire face focuses. That is a scary pointy face. I would not want to see that face when I brought home my report card.
9:04: And that right there, folks, was Bob Shieffer saying politely, "Fuck off, you interrupting interruptor."
9:08: Is this live blog a little bit boring? Sorry guys. I keep wiping my sweaty eyebrows and getting distracted by the chocolate covered almonds in the other room. Also, I was promised that Mitt was going to eat some decaffienated babies during this debate and that has not happened yet. YAWN.
9:13: Let's use drones to take out all the things we don't like! [ladies, keep a veeeery close eye on your uteri]
9:15: This has given me a very good idea, actually, this whole using drones to kill everyone we don't like. I could start my own small business wherein kevlar underpants are made to sell to feminists. Think I could get tax breaks? Maybe I could get some time zone friendly Latinos to work in my factory?
9:18: This, I think, is the best, most important point of the night. If everything goes to hell at home, how can we help the world? If our kids aren't educated, if they are sick and not taken care of, if their parents are broke, if it's impossble for anyone but rich people to go to college, then our country is FUCKED FROM THE GROUND UP.
9:20: I hope Mitt is planning to give us 96-hour days, because he has a LOT on that Day One agenda, doesn't he?
9:22: This whole "don't attack me" bullshit makes me want to... uh... attack something. Obama is attacking your ineffectual plans, dummy. If he wanted to attack you, he would put on his lucha libre mask and smack you with his chair.
9:27: The condescending hand pat on the table is saying "I see your battleship and raise you Reagan-voice."
9:30: Energy sources of the future! FINALLY we get to the worm hole / teleporter part of this debate.
9:34: "Oh, hey, folks," says Mitt. "I'm an honest conciliator. Except for the part where I lie all the time and my kid talks about punching the president."
9:36: Now it's time for Ari Shapiro to come on PBS and calm us all down by allowing us to fall helplessly into his dreamboat eyes.
9:38: I think I'm done now. Am I done now? I feel like it's time for more chocolate covered almonds and maybe a drink of an alcoholic variety.