That's right. It's still circa-2003 up in here, so all the Kari-borne-Oscar-talk will be in the form of an awkwardly posted epic long blog post tonight. Woo!
The show starts at 7:30 central, but the blogging might start a smidge before that, depending on the horrors of the pre-show, and how quickly I can get a whiskey in me.
So! Crate the kids, rustle up some snacks, cut an Angelina Leg Slit (tm) into the side of your yoga pants. OSCAR NIGHT IS NIGH.
6:38: I am dressed in my finest Old Navy and eating my finest hummus and trying to decide which crazy squirrel Kristin Chenowith reminds me of: the one from Hoodwinked or the one from Over the Hedge.
6:40: So, Will from Alias is here. I hope no one kicks him in his pretty face or throws him the back of a van.
6:42: I'm not a fan of the pooping-out-the-train style of dresses. MAKE A NOTE, CHARLIZE.
6:51: I find it extremely disappointing that NPR is not doing a red carpet special. Why isn't Ari Shapiro describing all the dresses to me? This is a travesty.
7:02: It's confusing to me why Jennifer Aniston is dressed like Mother Ginger. Is she smuggling small children into the Oscars? Is Quvenzhané Wallis up in there?
7:03: SYDNEY BRISTOW IS HERE, TOO! If the power goes out half-way through this show we know the North Koreans have infiltrated the basement of the Kodak Theater.
7:13: Consensus in the room I'm in: Anne Hathaway's boob darts are unfortunate and she probably shouldn't have said her dress = "party in the back."
7:25: Here's what I'd like to see at the end of the show: Kristin Chenowith sandwiched bewteen Queen Latifah and Adele. And then she could sing We Welcome You to MunchkinLand, with the ruby red slippers on her feet like sparkly boats.
7:30: THE SHOW IS FINALLY STARTING. Seth McFarlane is standing amongst these icy looking stalactites. And I don't mean Renee Zellweger. ZING.
7:34: Slavery jokes! Yes, yes, just what I was expecting.
7:36: Captain Kirk! I hope he sings.
7:39: Meanwhile, a hundred years later I've fallen asleep twice, grown a beard, we still haven't given out any awards, and Seth McFarlane hasn't stopped singing.
7:46: So, for real. Is it Seth McFarlane hour? Are they killing time because Anne Hathaway was stabbed by a boob dart?
7:48: Octavia Spencer! I know her best from Wizards of Waverly Place and I am only mostly ashamed to admit that.
7:50: Christoph Waltz just called Quentin Tarantino "The Creator" and also the hero of the Hero's Journey. Now they're going to go bone in the bathroom.
7:56: I feel a little bit like I might be accidentally high right now?
8:02: So... Brave scared the living shit out of my kids. It was a good movie, and I liked the girl power whatnot, but hello bear attacks.
8:06: the Oscar wagon wheel set decoration is weird. This is not a joke. Just an observation.
8:08: The guy who was the conductor of Shelley Long's orchestra in The Money Pit just won for Best Cinematography.
8:09: Not really.
8:14: The Jaws song?! Oh, man. That is most excellent in a terrible way. I wonder if they'll start letting people choose their own getting-played-off-stage music. What would I choose? Hmm. Maybe the Pitbull song about big ol bootys?
8:16: The women are whores jokes just never get old, do they, Seth?
8:22: Well, we've traded in whore jokes for women making themselves barf to be beautiful jokes so... progress?
8:26: When I was a kid, I was terrified by the prospect of being killed by being painted with gold. This was almost as terrifying as the idea of being chased down by lava. Two things that were very common in central Florida, I'm sure.
8:27: Shirley Bassey is KILLING IT. HE LOVES ONLY GOLD, YOU GUYS.
8:34: Pink cocktail acheivement unlocked.
8:36: Now I want people to give long speeches so I can hear them get sharked off the stage.
8:39: While we're watching this clip about Lincoln I thought you'd like to know two things I learned about Washington this week: His favorite food was mashed yams and coconut, and he had false teeth because he broke nearly all his real teeth trying to break open Brazil nuts.
8:52: Commercial break over. Looking forward to some jokes about dumb girls and their dumb vaginas. We still have hours to go. You know those jokes are simmering.
8:56: I want to dislike Catherine Zeta-Jones, but I just can't. Man she can belt out a song.
8:57: You know the show is not awesome when you're like "Yay! Live music montage of movies not nominated this year!"
9:00: I know it's hard to believe, Hollywood muckety-mucks, but the audience is captivated and there hasn't been a mysoginistic joke in at least five minutes.
9:01: I haven't seen Les Mis in a while. Anne Hathawy is going to drop from the ceiling in a base jumping suit, yes?
9:04: One Day More. In high school I would ride around town in a jeep with my theater friends and we would sing this song at the top of our lungs. Because we were cool like that.
9:11: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS AWARD IS FOR BECAUSE oops, caps lock. I need another drink.
9:17: No, wait, NOW the conductor from the orchestra of the Money Pit is winning something. He's about to get sharked off the stage because this Oscar is a TIE and he's going to have to stand up on stage and scream his thanks over the other guy screaming his own thanks. Pretty sure that's how it works. Oh my God, you guys, this show is so long and boring.
9:19: I can't wait to get the Jaws song on my computer so that when my kids start asking a really long question or telling me a story about a kid who did a thing on the playground by the place over there, I can just Airplay that shit and raise the volume until I can escape to the bathroom in peace.
9:21: Amy Adams does the Carol Burnett ear tug thing and wins my heart forever.
9:23: Anne Hathaway! Party in the back!
9:32: Is Sandra Bullock talking about ham hocks? I'm not paying attention anymore. I hope she is. We could really use more ham hocks in everyday conversation and/or fancy award shows.
9:35: Jennifer Lawrence looks like she's facing death up there, introducing Adele. Calm down, girl. Let those beta blockers kick in.
9:38: I would like Adele and Shirley Bassey to do an encore of Goldfinger together. And I would like a recording of it so I could listen to it in my car and sing the shit out of that song while I'm driving to pick the kids up from school. (This post brought to you by how old I am.)
9:44: I have this image of the restrooms at the Oscars where there are these moist mannequin heads by the sinks and all of the actors and actresses can take their faces off, place them on the mannequin heads, steam all the wrinkles out, and then put their faces back on before they go back to their seats. Otherwise I have no explanation for Nicole Kidman's face.
9:50: I'm not sure why Kristin Stewart is limping, but I'm guessing a shark bit her.
10:01: It's a Babs hologram! Like the teddy bear, but WAY fancier. SHe has been using that bathrom face steamer, y'all. She looks pretty damn good.
10:07: There's a real show about quasi-famous people jumping off of diving boards? Of course there is.
10:11: Life of Pi wins for score. I could use some pie. It probably wouldn't hurt to score, either.
10:13: What's happening right now? Icebergs melting. Are we watching the Earth age in real time?
10:17: SO much fanking going on right now. I love you Adele.
10:25: Argo wins for best adapted screenplay! And wins for best speech, too, because YES thank you to people who use creativity and brains to solve problems non-violently.
10:28: Quentin Taratino takes the Oscar for best original screenplay. I think he's wearing a leather tie. Those two things have nothing to do with each other. Also, instead of sharking him off the stage, they Gone With the Winded him off stage.
10:32: Ooh, Jane Fonda is Joan Collinsing it tonight. Right on, girl. Now throw a drink in someone's face.
10:44: Katniss wins! And falls up the stairs without seeming to be visibly drunk or high. Well, we all love you more now, Jen.
10:45: Meryl Streep takes a moment to scratch her ass before announcing Best Actor. That's cool.
10:51: Daniel Day Lewis has lipstick on his cheek and I find that very endearing even though he had nothing to do with it. I also find his funny speech endearing. Meryl Streep in a musical Lincoln? Yes. Thanking his wife. Yes. I've always wondered how she might put up with his acting shenangians.
10:54: Oh, hey, FLOTUS. Is this the Harlem Shake part? There has to be a Harlem Shake part.
10:56: Yay Argo! I'm not going to be cynical and say it won because it's about Hollywood helping to save the world, and instead I'm going to say it won because it was a good movie. It WAS a good movie. Now I want to see Clooney get sharked off the stage.
11:00: Ben Affleck is adorable. For real. And I love that he Jennifer Garner have been married for so long and have so many kids and that he knew when to stop talking about how marriage is hard work.
11:01: And so now what? Chenowith comes out in a clown car?
11:03: OK. I'm calling this done. No clown cars. No Harlem Shake. I wish the camera was showing everyone as they stream out of the theater during this song.
11:04: LONGEST OSCARS EVER. But at least we got to watch footage of the Earth aging in real time, and we all got a chance to grow a beard as nice as Affleck's.
11:07: KARI OUT.