with this much hot air
am afraid the whole midwest
might just float away
Andrew Shue on news
a new reality show?
D-List politics
brownie or blondie
it is more than bake sale choice
will winner be sweet?
Texans bide their time
this one year out of many
primary may count
it's too close to call
ask what would LBJ do?
find "missing" ballots
haiku politics
just as boring as real thing
someone cut me off
waiting marathon
question not how sick are you
how sick can you get
you arrive early
they ignore you anyway
reception bitches
doctor is quite nice
eczema not quite so nice
thank goodness for pants
The wee-er one's stats: 10-25% for weight, 25-50% for height, 50-75% for head circumference. She is a petite, big-headed gal, with dry skin and a penchant for shaking in terror at the doctor's office - just like her mama.
Undoubtedly, these are all things she will be elated about when she gets older.
Sock in water bowl
The hell is it doing there?
Blame dog. Blame baby.
hmmm? what is that sound?
BCS is imploding
like Vegas hotel
every time I cough
a little escaping fart
makes me butt of jokes
Ten Commandments, boo
Our Easter movie of choice?
Cole Trickle, oh yeah
babe finds laptop cord
Easter electrocution
not on "to do" list
kind of blasphemous
admitting truth feels good, though
jelly beans are gross
baby's first Easter
hope bunny won't be too mad
no chocolate yet
thirty-five, raining
Easter eggs easy to find
when they're not outside
sleeting Easter Eve
we Texas folks scratch our heads
pull out Christmas trees
Seriously. I can't believe it's sleeting outside right now. Easter in Austin is a time for white shorts and new Keds and the neighborhood swimming pools to open. I don't know what to do about this weather, other than watch the pond across the street steam like a hot tub. Maybe the Easter Bunny borrowed Santa's sleigh and needs some ice to get around. I have no idea what's going on.
At least the eggs won't rot when we lose them in the backyard!
to tide you over
until food and time settles
old turkey haiku!
pie filling tastes of
relatives' holiday stress
eat store-bought instead
grandmother's china
filled with turkey and gravy
all it's ever known
Thanksgiving morning
It's time for the parade! For
us all to ignore!
ah, sweet potatoes
please do not be mad that I
like your topping best
stuffing or dressing
a debate for the ages
'cept that dressing wins
broccoli and rice
with butter, cheese and butter
and Phazyme sprinkles
on this occasion
will football be allowed, or
must I talk to you?
is ceiling leaking?
had eyes closed, felt drip on face
oh, it's wee one's snot
I'm having this guilt problem right now. It seems like all I do is express irritation with the wee one. I've turned into one of those harpy moms, I think.
"Please don't do that."
"Hey! Stop screaming when you talk."
"I don't care if ninja turtles make that noise, that noise gets little boys a timeout."
"Don't put your penis on your sister."
"Sit closer to the table when you eat."
"Why did you throw clean clothes on the floor?"
"Licking other people's hands is gross. Stop it."
"Can you wash your stinky feet, please?"
"Tooty McTootsalot can't sit next to me in the car right now. Sorry."
"Well, if you can't find your shoes, you can't go outside."
"Clean up the melted popsicle, don't STEP on it."
"You have to tell me what you want, I can't read your mind."
etc.
I feel like all I ever do is nag and point out things that drive me crazy. I try to make sure I compliment him when I'm not nagging, and I try to make sure I explain my exasperated harangues ("If you don't sit closer to the table, the cheese from your pasta falls on the floor, and then the dog eats it, and it gives him an ear infection because of his allergies and we don't want that, right?)
But frankly, I'm tired of of having to explain myself to a four-year-old. I want him to LISTEN TO ME. I only want to have to ask him things ONE TIME. I want him to learn from one day to the next to STOP DOING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER. I, Me, Myself, The Grownup - I AM THE MOMMY.
But timeouts only go so far. And a timeout for dropping cheese on the floor when he seems to genuinely have forgotten to sit closer to the table seems ridiculous. So I nag. And I hate it. I hate how my voice sounds doing it. And I'm sure it's just as unpleasant for other people to listen to, as well.
This is what you have to do though, right? This is what you do to raise a possibly upstanding citizen, right? You teach him right from wrong. You teach him about consequences. You teach him to make decisions on his own - to think about things before doing them. But I have to adopt that tone to get him to listen - you know the one, the mom-in-movies tone. The nag tone.
Bleh.
I hate the nagging mom tone. If the nagging mom tone was a cell phone ring, no one would have cell phones (note to self: investigate making this happen). But I guess I have to do it. It sort of works and that's better than not working at all. And it's better than raising a person who never thinks about other people. But I hope it gets better. I feel like such a drag. And don't tell me moms have to be a drag. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. Right? Right?
humping Volkswagen
whatever gets the job done
doc says to try it
to induce or not
it shouldn't be so tempting
yet it really is
five days til due date
not enough Zantac to last
the heck will I do?
nursery: all set
cervix: is raring to go
baby: just chillin'
secret easter tryst
in dark closet, exploring
stolen bunny cake
easter day madness
non-stop talking, darting eyes
j. beans laced with meth?
pink spiral slices
ignore all Wilbur questions
eat very quickly
very many dyes
very, very many eggs
that no one will eat
helpful note for you:
deformed, trunk-melted bunny
is traumatizing
musing
very big red butt
can fit down our small chimney
but I can't wear jeans
we watched Charlie Brown
but all their voices have changed
Linus makes me cringe
shopping is not done
but stores are so crowded that
Santa will bring hugs
first time in six weeks
not a bad sacrifice for
bagels and donuts
neighbor's christmas lights
quite spirited in the way
they blink. All. Night. Long.
Thanksgiving haiku!
pie filling tastes of
relatives' holiday stress
eat store-bought instead
grandmother's china
filled with turkey and gravy
all it's ever known
Thanksgiving morning
It's time for the parade! For
us all to ignore!
ah, sweet potatoes
please do not be mad that I
like your topping best
stuffing or dressing
a debate for the ages
'cept that dressing wins
broccoli and rice
with butter, cheese and butter
and Phazyme sprinkles
on this occasion
will football be allowed, or
must I talk to you?
random haiku for you
grody crawling bug
is it really worth your life
to gnaw on my foot?
all the time: same pants
it's unconscionably lame
but budget worthy
must be back to school
I've just bought seven new books
for no good reason
smell of number two
one part gnarly, two parts great
that's pencils, not poo!
chewing fingernails
not America's past time
but certainly mine
sometimes people suck
when do you learn this lesson?
can't really be taught
speaking of some suck
being attacked by your town?
really quite uncool
(you'll have to register to read the story. bastards.)
time wasting haiku
good for getting brain flowing
not good for deadlines
random
o lovely tuna
when mixed with mayo, pickles
you're heaven on toast
the smell of fake wood
it's worth a sneeze or fourteen
to give books a home
"service" light ignites
then it suddenly turns off
can ignore it, right?
a tinkle sticker
graces the back of my hand
wait. who's being trained?
wee one cocks head, smiles
healthy snack surprise attack
wants "juicy apple"
faded bicycle
alone in the brown backyard
looks kind of forlorn
if those birds don't quit
eating my new tomatoes
I will... well... be sad
do-gooder Clifford
always helping out others
he can kiss my butt
haiku
a summertime hue
like oven-roasted chicken
legs crackle in sun
it's desperation
when the only thing TiVo'd
is show about boobs
I should have guessed that
even a show about boobs
sucks on A&E
texans have just as
many words for "damn hot" as
eskimos for "snow"
air-conditioned ears
just one big benefit from
my awesome haircut
fall dance class at 1?
but that's the scared nap time
a tough decision
boring are these odes
even if like yoda wrote
still they suck some ass
bleh
it is so damn hot
my boobs melted together
big, gross uniboob
right. seriously.
car says it's one eleven
and that's not the time
tiny boy's head sweat
soaks through the car seat padding
does not smell so great
hail the TV god
well, sure it's not the playground
won't cause heat stroke, though
Ode to Mamas
even with stretch marks
and that chunk of tummy flab
he loves you so much
five hour span of time
without getting hit, spat on
a perfect present
fifty dollar cut
not so expensive when you
just get one a year
take me out for food
not tenders, curly fries, milk
want wine, steak, veggies
to go poop alone
with door shut, locked, book in hand
great mom day present
homemade card, burnt toast
a gift that doesn't need no
interest finance
babe says, "I love you"
that makes ev'ry single day
a great mother's day
more really old haiku
Today, I continue with Things I Wrote At Work While I Should Have Been Doing Something Else.
I'm going to post each haiku spearately, just cause maybe it'll look better that way and people will be more inclined to leave the comments that my self-obsession craves.
Here's one that's actually work related, though it doesn't make much sense unless you've ever worked in marketing and had to invent things 5 minutes before a meeting:
smart marketing punks
time to prestidigitate
where's your white rabbit?
I have no idea what this one is about:
"spank me!" he shouted
"spank me with a long, black whip!
Thank-you, my master."
This one is fun. I've forgotten what movie this is playing of off, but the quote is, "And I'm not fronting either." It's some white dude saying it very deadpan.
superfly smackdown
I got phat peeps on my back
and I'm not fronting
scully meets young luke
a sci-fi supernova
the common thread? "Nooooooooo!"
(This was after Mulder was dead and then he was found and then some dude tried to heal him and then Mulder disappeared and Scully fell to her knees, keening.)
digging around
cog in the machine
working hard, but not that hard
dotcom femme fatale
I was digging around in the garage the other day, trying to find an old electric typewriter (for the wee one to bang on while I write at the computer). Alas, I didn't find the typewriter, but I did come upon a treasure trove of old haiku. This did not make the wee one happy, but I was delighted. Buried in pages of mind-numbing meeting notes, there are zillions of haiku documenting my (numbered) days as dotcom worker (though, to be honest, most of the haiku document me wasting time thinking about things other than my job, which was a marketing copywriter).
So just for fun, I present:
Things I Wrote At Work While I Should Have Been Doing Something Else (1999-2001):
voluptuary
it's all about you, you, you
and your tasty treats
(This was, obviosuly, spawned by someone's Word of the Day calendar. Excellent.)
only two more weeks
the year 2000 is done
where were the locusts?
crouching tiger, eh?
more like weird flying people
who need to do it
(yes, I was the only person who didn't like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.)
humuhumunu
kunukuapua'a
little yellow fish
(The humuhumnukunukuapua'a swim around the edges of Oahu, Hawaii. They're the state fish of Hawaii, and fit very well into a haiku. I met a few while on vacation back in the heady heydey of dotcoms - when I had money to do things like fly to Hawaii.)
Yargh! Language pirates!
drive, leverage, window, java
it's all jargon now
(this one was actually inspired by work - shock.)
A messy desk ode
can an ode be a haiku?
messy haiku, too
who are you to judge?
a messy desk shows genius
and a lack of drawers
poor little lobster
lost his toe in a bar brawl
next Friday on COPS
(Right. So I have no idea what this one is about. I do remember there were fake lobsters on the tables at the company Christmas party and I stole one for my desk. After that, it just fades to black.)
a dentist frenzy
we all must think that we're rich
gold fillings are phat
(Actually, we didn't think we were rich, we thought we all getting laid off. So everyone started going to the dentist at once. This is a good thing to note if you're working at a company with a questionable future. When everyone - even the bosses - start making a frenzy of dr.'s appointments, start packing your bags. That company is not long for this world.)
There are about a thousand more of these, but I have to go now. The wee one is planning a picture with "toes, a head and a nose" so I better go find the finger paints. This one's gonna be goooood.
Man. From trips to Hawaii to toe-less lobsters to finger paints. It's crazy what happens in just a handful of years, isn't it?
biscuits from a can haiku(s)
you seem to taste good
because we forget how real
homemade biscuits taste
flipping out haiku
tinkle in potty
plus superhero stickers
makes young boy flip out
some birthday cupcakes
followed by sweet tarts, more crap
makes young boy flip out
no dance class next week
means much energy to burn
makes mama flip out
random haiku for you
hoovering small rocks
makes terrible clacking noise
that scares the poor dog
new pain in my ass
catalytic converter
that shit can bite me
entire kleenex box
emptied, strewn about the room
while mom checks email
today is a day
to talk about goldsworthy
not elmo or poop
it's time
why don't we get them?
with J. Lo, Jon Stewart, Cher
cool, branded band-aids
my cuts don't need Bob
or Dora, or Boots, Spongebob
they are grown-up cuts
my cuts need X-Files
maybe some Alias, Lost
Locke could kiss boo-boos
David Letterman
would make a kick ass band-aid
with a tiny Paul
I guess Muck will do
keep me from bleeding on self
impress playground kids
