Haiku of the Day

Time to make the donuts

I would write a haiku but I am just too tired.

Even after sleeping through my pump alarm TWICE last night, resulting in huge, painful boobs, but four consecutive hours of sleep and then three consecutive hours of sleep, I can still barely move. My joints ache, my belly aches from the surgery, my back hurts, my head hurts, my wrists hurt, my elbows hurt, the only place on me that doesn't hurt is the numb part around my incision.

This is why instead of waking up and feeling refreshed and happy, I just want to sit in my chair and cry. I am so tired of hurting. I am so frustrated that the reason I'm hurting so much more is because two days ago I dared to walk from the lobby of the hospital to the NICU, forgoing the blasted wheelchair. So now I pay for trying to have even the tiniest bit of autonomy. Boo.

And tomorrow is my root canal.

Is everyone tired of these intermittent pity parties? Ugh. I am.

OK. Off to pump. Off to take my weight in Advil. Hopefully off to the NICU. (But maybe I will take a break between all of that to play Raving Rabbids on the Wii with the Wee One. And eat. I should probably start doing that, too.)

Ike Menaces Texas!

Hurricane Ike is heading for the Texas coast. Too bad Hurricane Ike-a-saurus isn't heading to the coast instead. We could forget about the real hurricane and hurricane Ike-a-saurus could strengthen overnight and then we could all go on vacation to the beach.

I am starting to confuse myself.

I was thinking today, as I headed home from the NICU, how lonely parents must feel when their preemie babies are their first babies. It's so draining and emotional to go back and forth from the hospital everyday, but at least I know that when I come home I have the wee one and the wee-er one to hug and hold close. Even when it's late and they're asleep I can still sneak into their rooms and steal a kiss. It's like fuel to keep me going.

Between the fuel they give me and the energy I get from kangarooing Isaac and watching him amaze everyone, I am somehow able to still move and eat and maybe be a person.

Right now the kids are running around, "dancing" to Blue Rondo a la Turk and I am flat exhausted, and my in-laws are cleaning my kitchen and I desperately need a nap if I'm going to make it to both Back to School night and the NICU tonight, but I can't leave them to go take a nap. It's too fun to watch them be crazy.

Isaac gets a prescription for caffeine everyday. Where's mine?!

Asleep

Awake

Ike is on the prowl

Just to add to the funny and weird and serendipitous things that have happened over the past few weeks (Les Breeding on the shared iTunes library, the Be Good Tanyas Littlest Birds always on the radio, the Talking Heads Stay Up Late playing in the car on the way home from the NICU, etc.) we now have:

Tropical Storm Ike!

Tiny but mighty

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Originally uploaded by haikumama.

My ike-a-saurus
This little guy rules the world
One step at a time

Happy one week birthday, Isaac. I am in awe.

Ike-a-saurus

I am impatiently waiting for the kids to get settled into bed so that my husband and I can go back to the NICU.

Isaac has been squirmy and crying today -much like his mama! I don't think anyone is worried about his grouchiness other than me.

He's been on his belly soaking up the bili lights and I'm wondering if I can bring in a small radio so he can relax and listen to the Horns whoop up on Florida Atlantic.

It's funny that even as the days pass I still have a hard time believing Isaac is here and that I'm not pregnant anymore. I should still be pregnant.

It feels like he is not real or something. Does that sound strange? It doesn't diminish my loving and aching and worrying about him, but I still have a hard time understanding that when I say his name I am talking about my own child. I am having a hard time reconciling that this is our situation - we are actually doing this. NICU, micro-preemie, the whole thing. It is somehow too real and not real all at the same time.

And man is my temper short. I don't want to wait for things or people, I don't want to still have to depend on everyone for everything. The exhaustion is pissing me off.

We are in the car now, off to the hoppital (as the wee-er one calls it). My pain meds made me nauseous so I am waiting for them to wear off and I am avoiding taking more. Probably not smart but the anti-nausea zofran is $430 for 10 pills so I will ache. I might as well have my insides and my outsides all be achy together.

On that note, I am not as baby-bluesy as I sound, just tired and impatient.

Ike awaits me. I can't wait to get there and touch his fuzzy head.

Click click click

In the next few minutes I'll be on my way home after 36 days in the hospital. We have at least two carts worth of stuff.

It's bittersweet to be leaving the Ike-a-saurus here and it makes me really sad. We'll be back tonight to be with him, though.

Home!

Did you hear that?!

HOME!

I can't believe it. I can't believe any of this.

Well, I'm tired

Still in the hospital, but hopefully for not much longer. I am just so tired. I can't get enough rest. I'm sure it has something to do with having surgery after having been on bedrest for sooooooo long.

It's also the pumping every 2-3 hours. I am starting to not like the pumping. I love that I'm able to pump and that my milk is in, or at least is coming in. But I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I never had to pump with my other pregnancies and so now I don't know if I should pump until I'm empty or only pump for 15 or 20 minutes and then stop, or what. I need to find a good lactation consultant who specializes in super early babies. I am scared of getting all plugged up and/or getting mastitis. I can't get sick because if I'm sick I can't go to the NICU.

Also, I am stunningly short-tempered right now. Impatient, grouchy and not taking shit from anyone. I think all of my pent-up feelings about this whole situation are flooding out of me on a nice wave of postpartum emotion. It is not fun for people in the same room with me. So much crying. But maybe it will stop now that my milk is mostly in.

Enough about me.

Ike-a-saurus is on the nasal canula now, which is super fantastic. They keep saying he could destabilize at any minute, but for now, Yay! Canula! He still isn't really digesting any of the expressed milk they put in his tummy, but the concern is not "Oh shit!" It's more like a frustrated "crap!" Though we were told today that a 28-week baby isn't ready to digest anything so it's not a surprise or a major concern that the milk is staying put. It's just a test to give him some digesting practice. Hopefully the practice will pay off.

I am beyond exhausted. I'm sure he is, too.

Roar!

When I told the wee one his brother's name, we were talking on the phone and I was drugged to the gills with a variety of pain meds and flat exhausted. The wee one was having a hard time understanding me. Our conversation went something like:

HIM: What's his name?
ME: Isaac Sawyer
HIM: What?!
ME: Isaac Sawyer!
HIM: Ike-a-saurus?
ME: (cringing in pain from laughing) Yes! You got it! Ike-a-saurus!

We were up to see Ike-a-saurus late last night. All of the incubators get covered like bird cages so the babies can sleep. We lifted his giraffe-patterned cover and peeked in at him. He was wiggling like crazy, I think having heard our voices.

He was grabbing at the CPAP and not thrilled with the feeding tube down his throat. I was thrilled to see the tube, though. Thrilled to know that the itty bitty cc's of colostrum I've been pumping every two hours all day and all night, are going into his itty bitty tummy. Apparently this is a big step because these tiny guys have immature intestines that are prone to blockages and infections. So fingers crossed that his tummy is just as strong as the rest of him.

Ike-a-saurus Roy.
The most perfect name ever!
The wee one is wise.